Xelloss and FiliaMaster Detectives!
by Seveninchsprockets
Summary: Xelloss and Filia are detectives. Amelia's palace gets blown up. Doesn't make sense? It's not supposed to. Please review! Flame me if you want but it's not like I'll care.


**Author's notes: **I have recently discovered a wonderful anime by the name of Slayers, and have decided to totally ruin it by creating my own terrible, blasphemes  

Slayers fan fic. This is my first Slayers fic, and although it's not meant to actually make sense, I still may have made a few mistakes in regards to what happens in the anime. So please keep this in mind.  Weebl and Bob inspired this. If you've never been to this site, then shame on you. Go there now.  

Reviewers with positive and constructive comments will be greatly appreciated. Anyone who flames will only succeed in proving my theory that they are a wanker.

**Disclaimer: **Slayers and all it's characters do not belong to me. 

**Xellos and Filia-Master Detectives!**

**A short story by SevenInchSprockets.**

It was a lovely Sunday afternoon in Seyruun, and at the royal palace Princess Amelia and her father Prince Phil, were busy reciting their long-winded justice speeches when a loud explosion coming from the eastern wing of the palace rudely interrupted them. He shockwaves sent both father and daughter careening into the largest, hardest, most painful stone pillar ever created, and after picking himself up from where he had accidentally crushed his daughter, Prince Phil ran to the window to see smoke billowing from what was left of the eastern wing. A look of grave concern appeared on his grizzly bear face.

"Good Lord! Some madman's blown up part of my palace!"

Just then a guard rushed in, char-grilled to perfection. "My Lord! Some madman's blowing up the palace!"

Prince Phil was just about to slap the idiot upside the head when another huge explosion rocked the palace, although unfortunately said explosion included the area Prince Phil, Amelia and the guard currently resided in. The force of the blast sent them flying skyward, over the entire city of Seyruun, to land painfully in the thick forest that surrounded Seyruun. Oh, don't worry. They're okay. Just a little crushed, in Amelia's case.

"Oh. Woe is me!" Prince Phil cried miserably an undetermined amount of time later. He clung heavily to his daughter, who staggered awkwardly under his huge weight. "Great misfortune has befallen us, my daughter! However shall we survive? We have been wandering for so long now!"

"Yes father." Amelia replied. "What has befallen us is the greatest insult to justice I have ever seen! How long have we been out here? Wandering in this cruel, cruel forest?"

"About half an hour!" A strangely familiar voice replied from above. 

"Eh?" Phil grunted. "Who's that?"

"Lina!" Amelia breathed happily.

Indeed, it was none other then Lina Inverse, bandit killer, sorcery genius and a demon in the sack. (According to Gourry, anyway.) The petite redhead with a temper to match her hair jumped gracefully down from the tree branch she was alighted on. Amelia dropped her father, and rushed in to give the sorceress a big hug.

"Oh Lina! Thank goodness! I thought I'd never live to see you again!"

"Amelia, how come you're a princess but you never have any money to pay back all that you owe me?" Lina asked. "Bitch."

"Lina!" Phil groaned from his heap on the floor. "Some madman blew up my palace!" 

"I know. I saw the whole thing."

"You must help us!" Amelia screeched. "Please help us find the culprit and bring him to justice!"

Sensing another long, painful justice speech coming on, Lina quickly shook her head. "Oh, no. Not this time. It's my day off. Plus I'm not doing you anymore favors until you give me my money."

"But…" Amelia's eyes became watery. "Justice…"  
  


"However," Lina added quickly. "There is someone who can help."

"Who?" Amelia and Phil asked in unison.

(Cue cheesy background music. And spinning logo.)

**XELLOS AND FILIA-MASTER DETECTIVES! **(patent pending.)

(Cut to Filia's teashop. Simply because I couldn't be bothered writing it in normally.) 

"Pass the sugar, Filia my dear." Xellos said, leaning back in his chair and resting his dirty, smelly boots on Filia's immaculately clean table. When she chose call him 'namagomi' instead and then ignore him, he grabbed for the nearest thing that looked like sugar, and spooned two heaps into his freshly brewed tea. He sighed in contentment after taking a sip.

"Ahh." He shuddered suddenly, and eyed the cup warily. "Cripes, Filia. This stuff is a bit strong. What on earth did you put into it?"

Filia snorted, not even bothering to face the mazoku. "I didn't put anything in it. You're the one who just added two tablespoons of cocaine for sweetness." 

Xellos blinked. Filia's head seemed to have detached itself from her shoulders and was now floating just above the chair opposite him. "I never knew you were a drug runner, Filia."

She shrugged. "Not all the money's in the tea business, you know."

"Right you are." Xellos chirped happily, attempting to take another sip from his cup but succeeding only in pouring the scalding hot liquid down his front. 

 Suddenly there was a loud, incessant ringing. Filia looked up from cutting her latest batch in annoyance. "What the hell is that sound?"

"The phone!" Xellos exclaimed, still talking to the invisible floating Filia head. "Quick, answer it!"

Filia raised an eyebrow in confusion. "The phone? What it the name of the Fire Dragon King is that?"

"Over there! By the lounge! Pick up the top bit and speak into it!"

Filia quickly dusted off her hands and gingerly picked up the receiver. " Uh….hello? Oh, hi Amelia. Yes. Oh, really? Yes. You don't say. Well, that's terrible. Yes, we'll come right over. And Xellos too. Yes, he's still around. By the way, how did you get a phone? No, I've never seen one either. I think Xellos has been taking trips into the future without Zelas' permission again." The dragon maiden paused briefly to glance at the mazoku who was now drinking straight out of the teapot. "Yes, we'll leave straight away. Say hi to your father for me. Bye." She replaced the receiver and walked back over to the kitchen shelf, pushing Xellos out of the way as he tried furiously to get at her latest batch. 

"Who was that?" He asked, then giggled and made a wild grab for the empty space beside her.

"Amelia. We have to leave for Seyruun right away."

"Why?" Xellos' eyes suddenly went all swirly. "Bee doop bee doop boo!"

  "Someone's blown up her palace."

"Really? But who would do such a dastardly deed?"

"Well…" Filia pondered for a moment. "Offhand I would probably say you. But since you've been hanging around here for the past week annoying the hell out of me and getting high off my product, I'm forced to say that I don't know who would do such a thing."

"Quite right." The mazoku made a dramatic flourish. " Well then! To Seyruun, with all due haste!" 

"It takes three weeks travel to get there, idiot." The dragon priestess snarled. 

"Not with my amazing teleporting abilities!" He crowed, grabbing her suddenly, along with a couple of bags of crack.

"But you can't tele.." Filia's words were cut off as they both vanished with an audible 'poof!' Side effect of all the drugs, you see.

(Three seconds later, at what's left of Amelia's palace.)

'Poof!'

"Namagomi! Don't ever do that again!" Filia screeched, giving Xelloss a good thump on the head with her mace.

"Do what?" He asked innocently.

"Don't deny it! I felt you pinch my arse while we were on the astral plane!"

He sighed. "Oh that. Sorry, couldn't resist you know." He produced a straw, one of the bags he had pinched from Filia's house, and began snorting with a passion.

"Filia!"

Filia turned to see Amelia, Prince Phil, Lina and a few oven-roasted guards coming towards her. The princess fell sobbing into her arms, while the others just kinda stood there and watched Xelloss get high.

"Oh Filia! It was awful! Father and I were almost killed! And worst of all, the explosions interrupted the best justice speech I'd ever made!"

"There, there. It's all right." Filia patted her back soothingly. "Why don't you just sit down and rest while me and Xellos look for clues." 

Amelia hiccupped. "Okay." 

"Good. Come on, Xelloss."

A loud snort was her only reply. 

"Xelloss? Xelloss! **XELLOS!!**"

He jumped. "Yes, ostrich?"

"Help me look for clues, you wanker."

"Of course. By the way, why do frogs launch atomic cheese at flying compact discs?"

She ignored him, and thus began their search for clues. For the first few hours the search turned up very little of interest, just a few charred body parts and the burnt remains of Prince Phil's porno collection. Then, just about when they were about to give up hope, Xelloss whooped out a triumphant cry, and danced a little jig.

Filia rushed over. "What is it? What have you found?"

Xelloss waved a frayed piece of paper in the air gleefully. "This!" He crowed. "…and also this." He added with a little less enthusiasm, brandishing a cigarette butt.

Filia snatched the note from him, and read the few lines of writing.

_Zelas wuz 'ere._

_P.S: Amelia owes me 150 big ones for all the booze and cigarettes I gave her for her rave party the other week. I'd better see that money soon, Amelia my dear._

"Ah hah…" Filia grinned. "How incriminating. The cigarette butt also adds to the evidence."

Xelloss sniffed it. "But this isn't her brand! Mom smokes Marlboros!"

"I see. Well, this case is turning out to be tougher than I thought."

"Indeed. To the laboratory!" Xelloss yelled, grabbing Filia roughly. 

"What are you doing you stupid fu.." 'Poof!'

(Three seconds later, back at Filia's tea shop.)

'Poof!'

"Why'd you bring us back here?" Filia screamed, enraged.

"To use the laboratory, of course!" Xelloss announced grandly.

"Buh?" Filia answered dumbly. 

"You know, D.N.A testing and stuff. Forensic science?"

She scowled. "What are you talking about, Xelloss? Just how much crack have you had today?"

Xelloss face faulted. " Oh, that's right. Forensic science hasn't been invented yet." He shrugged. "Oh well, might as well have a quick tea break, while we're here."

Filia snorted. "Heh. I thought so."

(Later, back at Amelia's grand pile of rubble.)

"So Filia, what have you discovered?" Prince Phil asked, gently tucking an issue of Wet Hooters under his cloak.

"Well, it was quite a tough case to crack, but I believe I have discovered the reason behind the explosion." 

"Really? So who's the culprit?" Phil asked eagerly.

"Yeah. Was it Zelas, cause Amelia owes her money?"  Lina asked. "Just like the bitch owes me money."

"There is no culprit. This was an accident."

"WHAT?!" Everyone cried out in unison, expressions of disbelief etched onto their faces. 

"But Filia," Xelloss began. "What.."

"It was an accident, Xelloss."

"But.."

"Quiet Xelloss."

"But.."

"But you're hopped up on crack. You can't even tie your shoes properly."

He shrugged. "She's right, you know." He then promptly fell over. 

"You see, even though the evidence against Zelas was incriminating, I discovered that the cigarette butt I found was not the brand she smokes. And earlier, before we left for our 'tea break', I happened to see by chance one of your guards lighting up a cigarette, and saw the packet clearly marked as the brand 'Marlboros.' I asked that guard as to what part of the palace was he stationed at the time of the explosion, and he told me he had been guarding the armory. So you see, your highness, the explosion was the result of one of your guards smoking in the armory, dropping the cigarette, and thus causing your entire palace to be reduced to a pile of scrap."

"Incredible, Filia." Lina breathed. "How do you do it?"

"Simple deduction, my dear Lina." 

"And lots of cocaine." Xelloss added. 

Prince Phil had turned an interesting shade of magenta. "Imbeciles! **I'LL KILL THEM ALLLLLL!!!!**"

"Yes. You do that." Filia said non-chantly. She picked Xelloss up and slung him over her shoulder. " Come now, Xelloss. We can be home in time for afternoon tea!"

'Poof!'

"So, are those two having sex or what?" Lina asked out loud.

(A few days later, at Filia's tea shop.)

"I have the feeling that you're not being straight forward with me, Fiila my dear." Xelloss drawled smoothly, sipping his tea and cocaine slurry. "It wasn't one of the guards that blew up the palace, now was it?"

"Of course not." Filia replied. "The guard story was a scapegoat. I blew up the palace."

Xelloss blinked. "You did?"

"Yes." Filia daintily replaced her own teacup back on its saucer. "That bitch Amelia owes me 400 bucks for a kilo of my product that I gave her six months ago. She hadn't paid me back and I was sick of waiting. So I blew up her palace." She shrugged. "Frankly, I'm surprised Lina hadn't done it already."

"How interesting." Xelloss replied absently, reaching for the bag of white powder once more.

"She owes a lot of people money. Me, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Zelas, Rezo. The list goes on and on." She took a sip from her teacup. "Now she'll know not to be such a little parasite." She watched as Xelloss dumped the entire contents of the bag into his cup. "By the way, when are you going to start paying me?"

Without looking up, the mazoku reached into his satchel and produced a couple of large, heavy bags filled with gold coins, and tossed them in her direction. She caught them, her eyes wide.

"Xelloss! Where did you get all this money?"

He grinned. "I have an unlimited financial source."

She smiled slyly back at him. "Xelloss, my dear. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"Awww…I love you too."

"Shut up."

**FIN.**

   


End file.
